


Too Little and So Much More

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Fluff, Songfic, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-05
Updated: 2004-12-28
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Takes place after ep. 410. Brian leaves to start a new office for Kinnetic but doesn't tell anyone where he is going. And he tells Justin that he needs to move on. Will Justin do what Brian wants and let go, or will he find out where Brian is and follow him? Will Brian realize he needs Justin forever or will he give up on everyone and himself?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

** Brian's POV **

_Broken this fragile thing now_  
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces  
I've thrown my words all around  
But I can't, I can't give you a reason 

My doctor tells me that the treatments for my cancer are going really well. Considering the painful aftereffects of the surgery and the radiation, I can't really agree. I know that I usually act like a complete and utter asshole, but hey, that's part of my charming exterior. However actually having to admit to anyone, myself included, that I actually need help, just seems to add to the, well, 'assholeness'. (As if that's even a word.) Neediness isn't something I'm used to experiencing therefore when I need help I'm prone to acting even more cruelly towards pretty much everyone around me. I mean come on, I'm usually the one who's helping everyone else. And I'm really okay with that. They need to have someone that they are able to go to, and I don't mind being that person. I just don't want to be the person that needs them to help me. That's why I didn't tell anyone about the cancer. I didn't need their pity, the pity that I was sure that I'd receive. I didn't want it either. After I kicked out Justin I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I knew he wanted to help me, hell I wanted him to help me. but I just couldn't get over my, once again, 'assholeness' to ask for it, or even accept it. But that day when I came home and he was in the kitchen making me soup and he wouldn't leave, I tried to get him to leave but a part of me, just couldn't let go. Didn't want to. So I gave up and accepted his help. And fuck me if it wasn't one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just kept thinking for a long while after that little 'encounter', so to speak, how can this one kid, no...this one man, love me so much that he can handle my having cancer and handle watching me go through it. Hell, go through it with me. It hurt me to have to expose him to all of this shit. It was something that I never wanted anyone to see, me being and feeling helpless. So he helped me and stayed with me, always telling me he loved me. And here I was, a 34 year old man, and I couldn't tell him how I felt about him. I've never felt like this about anyone before, I never thought I could feel like this about anyone. But then here he 'got under the wire' and made me feel things that I never thought possible, never would allow them to be possible. And I couldn't get over myself in order to tell him how I felt and I just could take it anymore.

_I feel so broken up_  
And I give up  
Just want to tell you so you know 

I thought about what I was going to do for awhile. It wasn't just some spur of the moment decision. I planned, I researched, and I took all of the necessary cautions financially and legally beforehand. I talked to Mel and got her to draw up papers regarding the loft and life insurance policies for Gus and Justin. (I still wanted to take care of everyone.) She was a little apprehensive about what I was doing and she asked questions but I told her that it was none of her damn business what I was doing. And that shut her up, for once. I also told her that if she told anyone about what I was doing that she'd seriously regret it. I also had her draw up some papers regarding Kinnetic and an LA office. I figured the company was doing well enough that I could open up a second office somewhere and what better excuse to use to get away and get out than my business? I had mentioned opening up a new office a couple of times to Justin but I never really expanded on it. Boy would he be surprised. And not in the good way. I knew he of all people would be pissed. 

_Here I go scream my lungs out_  
And try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go but there's just no one  
That gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one 

I thought about the ways that I had tried to push Justin away before. Throwing him out and the tricking and all that stuff. But he always came back. Even after Ethan. He's nothing if not tenacious. He gets what he wants. But this time it had to be different. He had to see that it was for the best, that I needed to let him go because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have in the past. I mean I knew that doing this would hurt him for awhile but he would eventually get over it. He's young, he's resilient. 

_Made my mistakes let you down_  
And I can't, I can't hold on for to long  
Ran my whole life into the ground  
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone 

Don't get me wrong now. I know that it will be hard for me too. But this is just something I have to do. I have to let him go so that he can learn that he doesn't need me and in truth, doesn't want me now. Now that I'm damaged goods. I'm no longer the 'stud of Liberty Ave.' and I never will be again. I'm not whole anymore. I'm not the same Brian Kinney that met Justin Taylor under a light post one night. And he and I both have to accept it and move on.

_Something's breaking up_  
I feel like giving up  
I won't walk out until you know 

I made sure that I visited everyone: Michael and Ben, Emmett and Ted, Linds and Mel and Gus, and Deb. When I went to see them, I could tell that they were curious as to why I was there but luckily they didn't ask questions. Justin had been staying with me most of the time and it was hard to try and make plans with him always around. But I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to be near him for as long as possible before I did what I needed to do. 

_Here I go scream my lungs out_  
And try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go but there's just no one  
That gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one 

I know that Justin thought our...yes...relationship was doing really well. And it was. But there has always been this sort of nagging feeling that he and I just can't have a 'normal' relationship. Everything and everyone always seems to be working against us. Cancer, Chris Hobbes, Craig, Ethan, even Jennifer in the beginning, and hell even myself. I guess I feel that we should stop trying. I'm just tired of all of the shit that we've gone through and will have to go through just to be even remotely happy. The world is always working against us and I used to think that it was possible for us to keep going and stay together but it hurts too much. It hurts that every time we get a little afloat, something or someone throws a couple more more bricks into the boat and we keep going under. I'm just sick of trying.

_Here I go so dishonestly_  
Leave a note  
For you my only one  
And I know  
You can see right through me  
So let me go  
And you will find someone 

So after I visited everyone and had all of the legal shit done there was only one thing left to do. Tell Justin. It took me a couple of days to even decide that I was going to write him a letter to break the news to him and a couple more days to even write it. I decided that I'd leave before he came home from visiting his moms house. I figured that a clean break would be good. So I left his letter and all of the other letters for everyone else on the kitchen island. I left the papers regarding the loft and some other instructions there also. There was nothing left to do. So I took my bags, grabbed my plane ticket, and left. I wouldn't tell them where I was going and I wouldn't tell them when I would be back to check on the Pittsburgh office. The less they knew, the better.

** Justin's POV **

I got to the loft at about 5 pm or so. I thought that Brian would be home but I guess he went to see Michael or something. But I figured that it would be a good idea to make some dinner for when he got back. I mean he'd have to keep his strength up because of the radiation treatments. 

I made my way into the loft and over to the stereo to put on the new CD I had bought a couple of days ago. The new Avril Lavigne CD. Yea I know, total gay stereotype but hey, I like her. Anyway as "My Happy Ending" is blaring through the speakers I made my way over to the kitchen to start dinner. That's when I say the pile of papers and an envelope with my name on it in Brian's writing at the top. I suddenly felt cold and got an uneasy feeling as I picked up the envelope.

 

Dear Justin,  
Thank you. Thank you for everything that you have done for me. For all of the things that you know you've done for me, and for all of the things that you don't know that you have done for me. Thank you for being the strongest person I know, and the most loving. The most forgiving and the most trusting. And thank you for loving me for no reason at all. And even when I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve you and I know that. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn't tell you how I felt about you. You always said that you knew, but you should be able to hear the words. And I'm sorry I can't give those to you. I guess I'm too much of a coward. 

I need to do this. I need you to stay away from me, I need you to move on with your life and get over me. You CAN do it, and when you do, I won't matter to you anymore.   
I'm leaving... I'm going to open a new Kinnetic office in another state. And I will be staying there. I won't tell you where, Cynthia won't either. The loft is yours. Do with it what you will. My doctor and I have made arrangements for me to continue my radiation and cancer treatments where I will be, so don't worry about that. I'm not giving up on that and I'm not letting cancer beat me. These other papers are life insurance policies for you and Gus, and some other legal stuff. It's all pretty straight forward. There are also letters to everyone, could you please hand them out? I don't know about Gus yet. I haven't really decided if I want to just leave him or tell Linds, and visit him. I do love him. Please make sure that he always knows. 

I've tried to tell you how I feel but I don't understand why I can't. While I'm gone I will be seeing a psychiatrist to try and figure myself out. To try to figure out why I can't let myself be loved and love in return. I trust that you will keep this piece of information between you and I. Maybe once I figure some things out I will be able to go home, to you and everyone else. But I'm not sure if that will happen. I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to move on and open your wonderful heart up to other people.  
I know that we were doing really well, but I just can't let you see me have to struggle with this cancer everyday. It's to hard for me to do. and I won't make you go through it..  
You need to move on, and let go...   
I know that sorry bullshit, but Sunshine, I really am sorry that I've let you down. I'm sorry I'm not a better person or the one you want, or the one that can tell you what you need to hear. Don't cry over this...you'll move on.

Later Baby...  
Always,  
Brian

P.S. If there is any sort of an emergency just let Cynthia know and she'll tell me.

 

_Here I go scream my lungs out_  
And try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go but there's just no one  
That gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one 

I'm shaking so badly that my knees give out and I fall to the floor. I don't understand how he could do this to me--to us. I thought we were doing so well, but I guess not. He can't do this to me. To our family. To himself. I know he will never admit it, but I know that he needs help. I know he wants it. I have to find him. I have to tell him that it's ok if he can't say what he and I both want. It's ok if he has cancer. He's perfect as far as I'm concerned. 

I feel like the floor is giving out beneath me and I don't know what to do. So I just make my way to the bedroom and crawl into Brian's side and try to catch the faintest scent of him. I need to hold onto him... I need him.

* * *

This is my first fanfic so it's a little rusty around the edges. I will keep going if there is interest. Let me know if you want me to keep going.  
The song is "Only One" by Yellowcard


	2. Too Little and So Much More

** Justin's POV **

_I swear that I can go on forever again_  
Please let me know that my one bad day will end  
I will go down as your lover your friend  
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin 

When I fell asleep crying and thinking of him, I had a nightmare. One that I haven't had since after the bashing. I woke up sweaty and gasping for air. And looking for him. But he was no where to be found. It felt like those times when I was with Ethan and I had nightmares. He wouldn’t wake and when I did I was always searching for Brian before I realized that he wasn’t going to be there. It was an empty feeling afterwards. He wasn’t there to hold me or talk to me about the nightmares. He wasn’t there to rub my shoulders and soothe me whispering words of nonsense into my ear. I always went back to sleep a little sadder.

_Are you afraid of being alone_  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you  
Are you afraid of leaving tonight  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you 

While I sit up in bed trying to calm myself, I look at the clock and it's about 8 pm. Suddenly the phone rings and I rush over to the coffee table where I left it last. All the while silently praying that it's Brian.  
"Hello."  
"Hi Justin. It's me Lindsay. Is Brian there?" Damn.  
"No," I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. "Have you talked to him today?"  
"No. I haven't talked to him for a few days now. I was just calling because about a month ago he said he'd help us with some stuff for the GLC. Do you know when he's gonna be back?"  
"No, sorry." I wonder if I should tell her that Brian's gone. I'm not really sure what I should do.  
"Well I tried his cell but it says that it's disconnected. That's a little odd don't you think?"  
"Yeah, it is...Um..maybe they're having some technical problems or something." I figured that he would turn that off first. Brian, always the smart one.  
"Oh, yea probably. Are you ok sweetie? You sound a little off."  
"Um...Can you do me a favor?"  
"Sure sweetie anything. What is it?"  
"Can you call every one and get them to the diner tomorrow morning at about 7 am?"  
"Well, sure, but what's wrong?"  
"I'll tell you tomorrow, just make sure everyone is there, ok?"  
"Of course. Well I'll start calling everyone now. I'll see you tomorrow."  
"Yeah, bye."  
"Bye." 

_I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you_  
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you  
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming  
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this 

As I cry myself to sleep inhaling his sweet scent of kiwi body wash and aftershave, my mind floats to thoughts of him. I begin to drift into unconsciousness and I allow myself to dream of him. Us in the shower then watching a movie. Making dinner together and sharing our ice cream kisses. Falling asleep tangled in sheets and hearing his heart beat. Knowing he's doing the same, wherever he is.

_Are you afraid of being alone_  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you  
Are you afraid of leaving tonight  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you 

The few moments after the alarm goes off and you don’t know where exactly you are or what's going on are the best moments. That's when I think I still have Brian and the only reason I'm in a bed alone is because I think I slept over at Daphne's. Yet reality seems to make me aware of it's presence and I realize what's really going on. I realize that Brian is gone, and that I don’t know where he is, if he's coming back, or why he left. 

I take a shower and get ready to meet everyone at the diner. I'm jus going through the movements of what I'm supposed to be doing. My mind is nowhere near what I'm doing. I'm thinking of Brian, while I do everything necessary to get ready to meet everyone. I grab the letters and shove them into my backpack, and I make my way out of the loft after I set the alarm. When the cold chill of the air hits my face I shudder and pull my coat tighter around myself. And I allow myself to think that the snug feeling around my waist is Brian's arms around me. It's that little lie that makes me feel a tiny bit better as I make my way to the diner.

_Are you afraid of being alone_  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you  
Are you afraid of leaving tonight  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you  
Are you afraid of being alone   
Cause I am, I'm lost without you  
Are you afraid of leaving tonight  
Cause I am, I'm lost without you 

*At the diner*

I see them all through the windows of the diner before they see me. They're all happy and laughing and no doubt wondering why they are all there. I pull open the door and the bell above it rings. They all turn to look at me.

"Ok Sunshine, what’s the big deal? Why are we all here?" Deb asks from where she is standing by the booth that the guys are sitting in.  
"Yea Boy Wonder, isn't it kinda early?" Michael says.  
"Where's Brian?" Lindsay asks with her brows furrowed.  
"He's not coming," I say as I begin searching through my backpack for the letters. "I don't know where he is actually. I haven't seen him or talked to him since yesterday morning."  
"Oh my God, where could he be?" Deb says  
"I don’t know. But when I got to the loft yesterday I found these, and some other papers." I say as I had out the letters to them. "I don’t know where he is, but I think one of you might." I say as I look over to Ted.  
"Hey! Don’t look at me, Brian doesn’t tell me anything." Ted says.  
"Yea but you work with him, and he mentioned something about starting a new office in another state. But he neglected to tell me which one. He says he's leaving and doesn’t know if he's gonna come back. If you know where he is Ted, you need to tell me."  
"If I knew where he was, or even if he was gonna start up a new office, I'd tell you, but I don’t."  
I look around at everyone reading their letters and I see the tears begin to fall. Gasps are heard and I begin to feel the tears burn behind my eyes threatening to fall. I sit atop a stool waiting for someone to say something. Anything. Something that might let us know where he is, or why he left. But apparently he decided not to tell anyone where he is.  
"Maybe we can call Cynthia and maybe she knows where he is." Ted breaks the silence  
"I don’t think she'll tell us anything."  
"Well I can try at work today." Ted says  
"Thanks and let me know if you hear anything about a new office."  
"Will do. But I have to go now or I'll be late."  
"Bye." I say as Ted makes his way out of the booth at towards the door.  
"What about his cell phone?" Ben asks  
"No good. He had it disconnected. I called him on it yesterday." Lindsay answers before I get the chance to.  
"Why would he do this? Jus...Just leave?" Deb says as a few tears make their way down her face.  
"I don’t know Ma." Michael says as he gets up to hug her.  
"Did you two have a fight or something sweetie?" Lindsay asks  
"No. We were doing really well too. I jus...I don’t know." I choke out as the tears begin to fall. "I have to go." I say as I begin to grab my stuff and put my coat on.  
"Oh Sweetie...come here." Emmett says as he pulls me into a tight hug. There is nothing I can really do except hug him back.   
"I'll see you guys later...And...if you hear anything give me a call." The all simultaneously nod their heads as I make my way out of the diner. I let the tears flow freely when I'm outside and I find myself just walking around with no place to go, and no place I really want to go, except into his arms.

_I'm lost without you  
I'm lost without you_

* * *

The song is "I'm Lost Without You" by Blink 182


	3. Too Little and So Much More

**1 week later**   
** Justin's POV **

_I wanted to be like you_  
I wanted everything  
So I tried to be like you  
And I got swept away 

It's been one week. One week since he left. One week since I've had any sort of contact with him. This week has been hell. I havn't left the loft since after I came back from the diner and talked to everyone. It's really lonely here, but I just don't want to leave. Everyone seems to be looking for me but I've stopped answering the door and the phone. I don't know what to do. Bri is my everything. I mean I know that I can live without him. I proved that with the whole Ethan thing. It's just that I don't _want_ to live without him. I don't feel complete without him and he knows it. Which brings me to the one good thing that I have accomplished this week at the loft. I am majorly pissed off at Brian Kinney. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want anything to do with him. if this is what he wants and needs. And if he needs me to leave him alone and move on. Well so be it. I'll move on and away from him, and in the process....myself. I hope he'll be happy.

_I didn’t know that it was so cold_  
And you needed someone  
To show you the way  
So I took your hand and we figured out that  
When the tide comes   
I'd take you away 

It's been kind of hard to get to sleep all week. I keep reaching over for him in the middle of the night or in the morning before I am fully awake, and it's only to come back empty handed and to feel the cold sheets. Whenever I do get to sleep I've been having nightmares. But I can't remember them. I just know that I wake up sweaty and panting and almost in the throws of a panic attack. It’s usually Brian who I can turn to during these times. He usually helps me calm down and feel better. But he's not here and there's no one else to help me, or to understand.

** Brian's POV **

_If you want to_  
I can save you  
I can take you away from here  
So lonely inside  
So busy out there  
And all you wanted   
Was somebody who cares 

One week. It's been one week since I left everyone. Since I left him, alone. This week has been hard. And lonely. But hey! Even the great Brian fucking Kinney has a heart and it can get lonely. I've just been trying to get the new office up and running. It looks good so far. I just try to keep working so that I don't have to think about him or about what I did. But of course that doesn’t work. It's the nights that are the hardest. I keep reaching over the middle of the bed looking for him and I always come back empty handed. I went to a club twice this week. And both times I ended up going home to my right hand. Funny right? Brian fucking Kinney, God's gift to gay PA, and I'm jerking off to memories to the only one that got under the wire. To the only one that I let. And to the only one that I left and feel lost without. I miss him. I want him. I need him. I need to know that he's ok.

**Justin's POV**

_I'm sinking slowly_  
So hurry hold me  
Your hand is all I have to keep me  
Hanging on  
Please can you tell me  
So I can finally see  
Where you go when you're gone 

Brian knows me. He knows that I'm not going to do what he asks. I can never love anyone else and I will never try to.

He emailed me. About 8 days after he left. It was my final straw. And it just pissed me of further.

 

From: BKinney@aol.com  
To: justay@aol.com  
Subject: Away

I am a coward. I will be the first to admit it. However, what's done is done. I hope that you are doing ok and that you are moving on. I am fine, well, as about as fine as can be expected. The new office is well on its way to being done and it does look like I'll be out here for awhile.   
I should get going. Take care. Later, B.  
P.s. Tell everyone that I'm ok, and tell Gus I love him.

 

When I saw the email, I almost didn’t want to open it. But of course I made myself. But then I almost didn’t want to read it. But I made myself. I was pissed. But then a little relieved when he said that he was ok. At least he is still alive. But still, mostly pissed.

 

From: justay@aol.com  
To: BKinney@aol.com  
Subject: Everything

Bri,  
Well what can I say? At least I know you're alive. I just wish you didn’t leave. I want to help you. But mostly I need you. But I guess you'll only do what you want and if you feel that this is what you want, then who the hell am I to stand in you way? I won't. But I won't wait for you either. I love you. Always have, always will. I will never love another...at all. You're my heart. And my heart has left me.  
I don't know if I'll be able to stay in contact with you because right now I am very angry with you. But please don't stop emailing me. I still want to know if you're ok. I love you. Later babe, J.

 

_If you want to_  
I can save you  
I can take you away from here  
So lonely inside  
So busy out there  
And all you wanted   
Was somebody who cares 

After that there was nothing I could do. So I got dressed and went to the diner. I figured that I could at least tell everyone that he was ok. And alive.

*At the diner*  
I walked in and as soon as I step foot into the diner it seems that all eyes are on me. It makes sense. Because I havn't been there in a week, I'm wearing all black and I look like shit. Deb is the first to see me.  
"Oh baby! How are you?" She asks as she grabs me in one of her big bear hugs and leads me to the rest of the gang. Everyone is there, just like the week before.  
"Fine Deb. Hey." I say as I nod to everyone at the tables.  
"Hey Justine sweetie. How you been feelin'? We havn't seen you in awhile." Emette asks.  
"Fine. I already told you. And I know. Hey little man." I say as I hug Gus and smile for the first time in 8 days. It's not a real smile. It doesn’t reach my eyes and I can feel it.   
"Hey Jusjus. Where's my daddy at?"  
"He's not here Gussy. But he told me to tell you that he loves you and misses you very much."  
"He did?"  
"Yes he did."  
"Oh ok." Gus says as he walks back to his seat to finish his fries. I'm so focused on the miniversion of Brian that I didn’t even realize that anyone was talking to me.   
"Hey Boy Wonder!" Micheal says as he's snapping his fingers in front of my face.  
"What Mikey?"  
"You talked to Brian?"  
"He emailed me this morning."  
"Well what did the prick say?" Deb asks.  
"Just that he's fine."  
"Oh. Well next time you email him you tell him that he better get his ass back here." Deb says  
"I won't be emailing him again."  
"What are you talking about?" Linds asks  
"I don't want to talk to him, I don’t want to email him. I don’t want any contact with him."  
"What are you saying? You didn’t tell him that did you?" Micheal asks seeming really pissed.  
"Oh please tell me you didn’t tell him that." Lindsay says.  
"Of course I did." I say beginning to get pissed.  
"How could you tell him that?! He needs us and he needs you! What if he doesn’t contact us anymore? Did you--"  
"Stop it Micheal! He needs me?! ME! He needs me and HE left? He needs ME? Fuck that and fuck him! I need him and HE left. Fuck it. And fuck him!" I scream grabbing my stuff and getting ready to leave.  
"Oh Sunshine--!" Deb starts.  
"Stop it! I mean it. And don’t call me that! I don’t even know where my sunshine went or if he's ever coming back!" And I stormed out of the diner.

_If you want to_  
I can save you  
I can take you away from here  
So lonely inside  
So busy out there  
And all you wanted  
was somebody who cares 

I just begin to walk. Walk where? I don’t know. I ended up at the little park that Bri and I used to take Gus to sometimes. I just sat there for hours until the sun went down sketching. Around 9pm or so I made my way back to the loft. I peeled my clothes off as I headed to the shower. I made the water hot. Hotter than I could actually stand it. I just needed to feel something, anything. Just something to let me know that I was still alive, that I could still feel. I thought about Brian and I could almost feel his hands running across my chest and stomach. I could almost feel his hand trailing down to my hard cock and stroking strong, slow strokes. As I pulled on my cock I imagined that it was Brian who was jacking me off. And when I came I imagined that it was Brian mouth on my cock sucking all the traces of cum from it. 

But once my breathing evened out and my heart beat slowed down and I opened my eyes the reality of what was going on and that no one was there hit me. It hit me hard. I turned off the water and I discovered that the drops on my face were not because of the shower. The tears burnt trails down my face and they hurt from the inside out.  
I dried myself off and crawled into bed and I fell into a restless sleep dreaming about the night under a street lamp when my life changed forever.

_Please can you tell me_  
So I can finally see  
Where you go when you're gone 

* * *

The song is Michelle Branch "All You Wanted"


	4. Too Little and So Much More

I've decded that at least for the next two chapters, they will not be song fics. So let me know what you think and which you like better.

* * *

**1 month after Brian leaves**   
** Brian's POV **

I left a month ago. And I miss Justin like crazy. I only email him to say that I'm ok and that I've been going to my treatments. I don’t want him to worry about that. Even though I email him every other day or so, he doesn’t reply to my messages. Honestly I kind of hoped that he would.

Almost as soon as I got out here I found myself a good phychatrist. Hell, he better be good for $300 an hour. He's been helping me a lot and I think I'm doing a lot better. Well, I'm tricking less and I've cut down on the drinking and I've stopped all drug use. My doc says I have to work on the bad shit I do to help why I can't commit fully to Justin. Well I do know that my crappy childhood has a lot to do with the issues I hvave. (Thanks again Jack.) But that's not what's important right now. What's important is Justin. I miss him and I want him. But I want to be able to commit fully to him. Words don't mean shot. I know that. And hell, Justin does too, especially after what happened with the fiddler. It makes me shudder even now even though he picked me in the end. Words mean nothing, yet, it's still nice to hear them once in awhile. Even to me. I enjoy hearing Justin say all of those wonderful words he says to me. No one ever did before he came along. Mickey did, but it's not really the same. God. Now I really am sounding like a muncher. Whateverthefuck.

** Jusin's POV **

For one month I have been going to the diner, the park, and the loft. I don't go anywhere else and I don’t spend time with anyone in the 'family', at least, not more than I have to. It's not like I miss spending time with them or going anywhere else either. It's weird. It's like after Brian left I felt so...I don’t know, like dead inside. It's like I can't feel anything. Even when I read his emails I don’t feel anything. It's like I'm reading a story about someone else and it doesn’t matter. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love him, miss him, and want him. But I'm still pissed off at him. It's the only thing left for me to feel. Anger. But I don’t know what to do about it, any of it. I guess the only thing I can do it wait. Wait for him I guess. Or wait until I cannot wait anymore and have to move on. I just hope he comes home before then.

***Next day at the diner***  
"Hey Justin sweetie, how ya been?" Emmett asks me when he comes into the diner when I'm a little more than halfway through my shift.  
"Fine. What can I get you?"  
"Club sandwich and a diet coke please?"  
"OK." I say walking away from him. By the time I get to Emmett with his order Micheal and Ted are in the booth across from him.  
"What can I get you guys?" I ask them  
"Nothing my Ma already took our orders." Micheal says.  
"Oh OK." I nod and walk away. About 15 minutes later Deb is calling me from across the diner to the guys' table.   
"Yeah?" I ask  
"We're expecting you to be at dinner the day after tomorrow."  
"Thanks. But I don’t think so."  
"Come one Justin, you havn't been to Sunday dinner in a month." Micheal says his voice dripping with that annoying whine he does.  
"I'm busy." I say  
"Yeah right, doing what?"  
"None of your fucking business."  
"Well it's not like you go out with us or Daph anymore or anything. We haven't not only seen you at dinner but you never go to Babylon or Woody's anymore." Emmett says  
"So what, I thought that you'd all be happy not having me tagging along all the time." I sneer at them  
"Oh sweetie, what are you talking about? You know you're our friend and you're not a tag-along.  
"Yeah whatever." I say rolling my eyes "I'm not going."  
"Please Justin?" Deb asks, "for me? Do me the favor?"  
"Why is is so fucking important to you?" The walls that I've been building are beginning to crumble. She's like my mom, how could I say 'no'?  
"Because you are a part of this family, with or without Brian. We love you and we miss having you around. We want to make sure that you're ok. So please, come?"  
"FUCK! Fine! But I'm not going to stay long." I say walking away from them. They don’t understand me, what's going on, or how I feel about all of this. And to be honest, I'm not really sure I want them to. I've been working pretty well at building up these walls. My walls. I never look at anyone in the eye because I know that if I do, they'll see the clouded pain that hides in them. And I don’t need or what that or their pity that I'm sure that will come. I need and I want Brian.


	5. Too Little and So Much More

OK I'm really sorry I havent updated in forever. Lots to do with college apps and junk. But here ya go. I hope those of you who liked it havent lost interest. Please leave lots of notes. I'm a note whore!

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***Sunday night family dinner*  
Justin's POV**

When I got to Deb's around 6pm or so everyone was there; Michael, Ben, and Hunter, Ted and Em, and Lindsay, Mel, and Gus. When I walked in everyone stopped their conversations and looked up at me. No one began talking again until they all had a good long look at me. It made me uncomfortable so after I said hi to everyone and told Deb that I wouldn’t be staying very long I went outside to smoke a ciggerette. 

When I got went back inside everyone seemed to be back to doing whatever it was they were doing. Dinner was fine and pretty much uneventful except for the stares that I kept getting when everyone thought that I wasn’t looking. No one talked about Brian, no one asked me how school was, and no one commented on my absense from family related things lately. Even though I knew there was a huge pink elephant sitting in the room with all of their unasked and unanswered questions looming over us like a thick fog.  
Thankfully though no one said anything about my not eating much of anything. I sort of just pushed the food around my plate and took really, really small bites. I had been doing that a lot since Brian had left. Pretending to eat when I had to that is, or simply not eating at all. I just didn't feel hungry or food just didn’t take good anymore. It tasted grey and like sand. But like I said they didn’t say anything, and I don’t really think that they noticed much. 

After dinner I played with Gus since I hadnt seen him in awhile. And then something none of us expected happened. Micheal's phone rang and when he answered it, Brian was on the line. To be honest it's not like I wanted to talk to him or anything, because I didn’t, I was just shocked that he had called. Michael went upstairs to talk to him and we all just stared kind of dumbfounded at the empty staircase when he was no longer visable. I guess everyone expected me to follow him or something because they all looked at me strangely like they were trying to figure out what I was going to do. But I just pretended to not notice the looks or akward silence. I also pretended not to notice Deb follow Micheal upstairs. 

After about 5 minutes or so Emmette broke the silence that was in the room.  
"I wonder what that was about." he said  
"Beats me." Ted said looking at me.  
"Well," I sighed "I'm gonna get going. Tell Deb and Micheal that I'll see them later ok?" I say as I make my way to get my jacket.  
"Are you sure you don't want to stay and see what Brian wants?" Lindsay asks  
"Honestly," I say reaching the door and placing my hand on the nob, "I don’t give a shit." I say as I walk out of the house and make my way to Brian's jeep that he left with me.

** Brian's POV **

I know that Justin said that he wouldn't reply to my emails but I still wanted to know what was going on with him. It would have been nice for him to let me know something. I wanted to know if he was ok so I did the only thing that I could think of; I called Mikey. And to say that he was shoked would be the biggest understatement of the centry.  
"Hey Mikey" I say when he pickes up the phone  
"Oh my God! Brian are you ok?"  
"I'm fine Mikey. You?"  
""Fine...WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" I knew that was coming  
"Around. Here and there."  
"Fuck Brian!"  
"Mikey I cant tell you where I've been."  
"Why not?"  
"I need to get some shit together that's why not."  
"You didn’t even tell Justin."  
"I know. Listen that's why I'm calling you...he hasn’t answered my emails and I was wondering if he's ok. How's he doing Mikey?"  
"How's he doing? HOW'S HE DOING?! SHIT BRIAN! What the FUCK!?"   
"YOU FUCKING PRICK!" Deb's voice shrikes into my ear.  
"Hi Deb, how ya been?" I ask.  
"Just fucking peachy. Which is more than I can say for Justin." I'm getting a little worried and frantic by now.  
"What's wrong?" I ask  
"You left Brian. That's what's wrong. He looks like shit. And we never see him anymore. He's lost a lot of weight and he never eats. He just pushes the food around trying to make it look like he's eating. But I see Brian. I see it. He wears all black. Never looks anyone in the eye, and he doesn’t smile anymore. God Brian what did you do to our Sunshine?" Deb finishes choking back a sob.  
As she says all of this I feel worse and worse as she continues. I mean before I even called I knew something was up with Justin, it was just this feeling I got. But then hearing Deb confirm my uneasy feeling, it was almost too much.  
"Brian? Are you still there?"   
"Yea Deb. Listen, I don't know what I can do. I already told him to move on without me."  
"You little shit! You need to come home to him. I know you love him, I just don’t know why you wont let yourself. And I don’t know why you lfet."   
"Deb, I had to leave. I have things I need to sort out. I'll be back, just not for awhile. I need to do this for myself and for Justin."  
"Yea well," she begins after being silent for awhile, "I just hope it doesn’t destroy him before it helps him. He's a strong kid Brian, but this may break him. And then...it'll be too late. I love you Brian and so does Justin and everyone else. I understand that you need to do what you need to do. But just be quick ok? Don't make Justin wait too long.He'll ait until the end of time but time won't wait for him. Ok Brian?"  
"Yea Deb. Thanks for understanding and...everything else. Just look out for him ok?And I'll email you and you let me know what's going on ok?"  
"Ok Brain."  
"Thanks...mom."  
"Bye Brain. here's Micheal." she said and I could hear the smile in her voice.   
"Brian?"  
"Mikey listen, after Deb just tore me a new asshole I don't really want to talk ok?"  
"That's ok, I understand."  
"Thanks Mikey. Listen, look after him for me. Watch him and watch after him ok?"  
"I will. I love you Bri."  
"Me too Mikey. Bye."  
"Bye."

And we hung up. After all of what Deb told me I just don't know if the way I did what I did was right. But it's a too late now. After the call and the information I received I felt emotionally drained and the only thing I could think to do was take a hot shower and climb into bed with thoughts and memories of Justin surrounding me and lulling me into sleep.

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I need some help figuring out where this story is going. Help me out?...PLEASE...cuz the sooner someone helps me with the next few chapters, we can get to the hot and steamy sex scene that I already wrote....come on, you know you wanna help...


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